In my first Overrated Trash of this year, I promised 51 more OT articles before ’07. If I had kept my promise, this would be OT #32 of 2006. In reality, this is OT article #15 of 2006.

Now OT has turned into one of those tasks that I look at and just think “Aw, fuck! I just can’t do this anymore.” Time has thus far been the biggest issue. While it may seem like I just take a shit and (poof) there’s a new Overrated Trash, it takes a lot of time to write this poorly and awkwardly about things that aren’t of interest to anyone but myself. The other defeating element is content. I decided I wasn’t going to be writing any more columns unless I truly had something to say. I do have things to say but not enough to fill up 800 – 1400 words on a weekly basis.

Well, now I’ve got something to say: “Goodbye, Overrated Trash. My lover, my friend, my whore, my enemy, my commander, my subordinate, my clichéd contradiction, my excuse to look at people sideways and say ‘You didn’t read my column, did you?’” It was great of Kaffeine Buzz to allow me a forum to exaggerate the size of my manhood (or did I?) and ramble on and on. My (now former, for the time being anyway) editor Kim is wonderful to work with and I highly recommend writing for her if you’ve got the chops. Kaffeine Buzz is a much needed and well maintained voice in this growing community of Denver.

The real bitch of this is that OT has been hanging over my head every week I haven’t written for it, like a little grey storm cloud. So, I feel like I’m letting myself down, letting Kim down and, most importantly, I’ve been letting you down (which is still me, since I’m the only one reading Overrated Trash at this point). So, this is it. Once this column is done, I’m going to start dating younger women, buy a new sportscar and dress like Don Johnson in Miami Vice… because you’d never let me do that, would you Overrated Trash? Well, you won’t have Tyler Jacobson to kick around any more.

So, there’s this last thing I’ve got to get off of my chest, and this was the article that I writing before realizing that I needed to just call it a day. From now on, you can find me writing blurby-shit over at http://www.superstarcastic.com - where I’ll spend roughly 5 minutes writing at a time. And of course, you can allow me the chance to deny your requests at Lipgloss every Friday. Au revoir pour maintenant.

THE LAST OVERRATED TRASH:

I’ve come to the conclusion that irony is a way for dumb people to have a narcissistic laugh with their friends and to pretend that they’re smart. I don’t like forced or orchestrated irony specifically for that reason. At some point though, when a particular form of irony is used too often (which it eventually happens, because we’re talking about dumb people here, who are generally uncreative) there’s an even dumber group of folks who are late to the game, don’t understand that this is irony and so they assume that it’s just culture.

This lower tier, the people who don’t get irony created by people who are idiots in the first place, is unfortunately made up of the people who either A) dictate popular culture or B) become heavily marketed to a demographic and therefore end up dictating those who dictate popular culture. Case in point: Under The Influence of Giants. Go to Google’s image search, type in those 5 words (which make up the worst band name in history) and have a moment to study their “look.” Despite what you may initially assume, there is no irony here. This really is their look. Pay close attention because this is the future of popular culture.

Now, some of you may not remember when Nirvana broke. Some of us remember it all too well. And while Nirvana was reasonably refreshing to hear on mainstream radio, things went horribly wrong in the wake of their popularity. First, “grunge” broke. It was strange, this merging of hard rock and punk, mostly because it was obvious that no one in charge knew what to do with it. Every magazine you picked up speculated if band X could be “the next Nirvana”. Suddenly, “alternative” radio (which at that point was more of an alternative than what was available on pop radio) was overrun with hard rock bands being marketed as some sort of second wave grunge. New music was riddled with second-rate bands doing power ballads. Sadly, not a lot has changed in the last 15 years and you’re all stuck with shitty radio again. No wonder everyone’s got an iPod.

Go back to Google and find Under The Influence Of Giants’ website and listen to their songs. Given the scenario in the above paragraph, Franz Ferdinand is Nirvana, re-hash disco punk is grunge and Under The Influence Of Giants is the second-rate band playing a power ballad on your favorite radio station. Now find the website of Young Lovers and listen to them and see if you can tell me what the future of popular music looks like. Your culture is being bought, white washed and sold back to your kid brother. It’s coming soon to a Wal-Mart near you. To quote Randy Quaid in Kingpin: “Hey, everybody, There’s a shit cloud coming! Run for your lives!”

Not that I’m lamenting the future death-by-over-saturation of the hipster market. Quite the opposite. In fact, it makes perfect sense. 13-year olds live off of their parent’s money and hipsters live off of their parent’s money. 13-year-olds don’t like to take baths and neither do hipsters. 13-year-olds act like put upon assholes and so do hipsters. 13-year-olds beg others to buy their alcohol for them…you see where I’m going with this. The fact that they haven’t been marketing cocaine binges with girls half their age to the new-teen set seems like an enormous missed opportunity.

We’re at the dawn of a new era. We’re months away from 13-year old growing out wedge haircuts, going to school in their Target bought suits (yes, they already exist), channeling that shitty teen angst and oversleeping into acting like coked out narcissists. Soccer mom’s all of the world are about to be introduced to the grand shallowness of “hipster” culture. Don’t worry, it’ll be made even more shallow by the time it reaches the mini-van set, mixed in with some well test marketed “alienation” meets “hey, we may hate ourselves and you, but we still like to rock and have fun with our friends,” and, of course, it will be even more Caucasian than it currently is. Dig what’s cool while you can, because the K-Mart’s going to have a sale on “hipster” ties and black eye liner at any moment. Big, ironic 70’s mirror sunglasses are on special by the Blue Light for the next 5 years.

Editor’s Note: Remember hearing the Muzak version of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” streaming through the retail store speakers? Remember seeing the “Grunge look” coming down the catwalk and $5 flannel shirts with a designer price tag of $300? ‘Nuf said.

We'll miss ya Tyler.

www.denver3.com.

Overrated Trash June 28, 2006